I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again…
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a scumbag!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word "scumbag" next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a scumbag!" It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "scumbag" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a scumbag!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hanson," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a scumbag."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
"You're a scumbag!" (But I didn't hang up…)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
" Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hanson."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag."
Then I called Scumbag #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, scumbag," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are, I'll…"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, ">Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.
There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now I feel a lot better…